Humility... Or low self-esteem?

What is my purpose?

To give in to my weakness?

Or use it to grow....

An issue in regards to humility has been on my mind of late. While I was young, I questioned if being humble was the same as having low self-esteem. Since then I've come to learn that there is a difference - in fact, there aren't very many similarities at all. Having low self-esteem is something I've faced my whole life, therefore these feelings are very familiar to me as I consider them. Humility is something I had to develop and separate from the feelings of low self-esteem. 

The definition of humility is as such in the webster's dictionary: 'the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people'. Whereas self-esteem is 'a confidence and satisfaction in oneself' - the application of the word 'low' to this term implies a lack of confidence and dissatisfaction in oneself. This difference to me is equal to the difference between pride and confidence: pride is the placement of oneself onto a higher plane than those around, the belief that they are better than others; whereas confidence is a recognition on one's own talent's and abilities, acting in a manner in which these are performed affectively with control over those thoughts and actions considered prideful. With this in mind, humility is similar to confidence in that it opposes pride, or the lifting of oneself up above another. Humility recognizes the equality of every being on the earth, which includes your equality with others. Low self-esteem is placing every single person above oneself, claiming others will always 'be better, prettier, cooler, more fun, etc', therefore creating an imbalance pertaining to the worth of the individual to those around them. I have seen others act, and even I have felt at times, as though we don't need to strive for humility as we feel we are already as 'dust of the earth' (in regards to feelings of low self-worth). 

I've come to recognize this falsehood and therefore state that humility is empowering and uplifting; whereas this low self-esteem only constricts our potential. Humility leads to happiness, love, peace, and fulfillment; low self-esteem creates a downhill spiraling path that inspires or gratifies depression. Humility is spiritual and everlasting, opening opportunities to change and grow; the latter is a debilitating excuse to falter in the face of life's challenges. I'm striving for humility, and hope that it isn't replaced by low self-worth.  I've recognized how challenging this is being diagnosed with medical depression - that being said, I have a hope and a belief that humility is obtainable, along with happiness, peace, and a fullness of love. 

'Men (and women) are that they might have joy.' 

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

Where would I be without mine?

Certainly not here. 

This is a very special day for a very important person in my life (super V.I.P.!), mi mamá! I cannot describe how perfectly beautiful she is, how her spirit shines through her eyes, and how her smile lights up the room. She is always willing to talk, and to listen. She will always love me no matter what, yet will forever call me out on my crap - which is an extension of her love. She is so intelligent, and so much fun to be around. It's impossible not to feel loved, and cared for when she's hugging you.

I can honestly say that my mom has saved my life. Her example, testimony, and desire to do that which is right in the eyes of God is forever imprinted in my memory. Yes, I face depression and anxiety - yet with her as an angel sent from God I have not only been able to manage it, but been able to see some incredible good come of it. She saves my life. 

 

I'm grateful she chose to marry my incredible stud of a dad (Mr. October... That says it all), who loves her so tenderly he would sacrifice his already-failing health to stay up all day and night to put together a video for Mother's Day of their kids saying how much they love her. In fact, one of my most favorite moments with my dad was when we were driving home together late at night, and he told me why he married my mom, why he loves her so much, why she's his best friend. I want to marry someone like my mom.  

So here's to this incredible woman who saves my life, changing unbearable tragedies to tender mercies. Here's to her mother who no doubt was of great influence to my mom in guiding her to be where she is now. Here's to every mother who, knowingly or unknowingly, saves the life of their children with their pure love and sacrifice. As it is our goal to be as our Savior Jesus Christ is, it gives me hope to know there are women of God like my mother who strive to follow Him to the extent where the only phrase that can be used to describe them is 'Christ-like'. Your sacrifices don't go unnoticed. May God bless you all with the blessings of heaven you so justly deserve. Continue to nurture your children to the best of your ability. You may never know the good you've done until you stand before God Himself; until then, trust that everything you do is enough, and that you are perfect in His eyes, my eyes, and the eyes of your family's. 

'Men (and women) are that they might have joy.' 

Paradise

Life and death are this:

Trapped in an airport,

To paradise. 

Hello! I'm sorry I haven't written in so long! I have been super busy this last semester, what with school, working 3 jobs, and other various extracurricular activities. I have been meaning to write for so long, as there have been a large number of thoughts rolling around in my head over these last four months. Many of these thoughts being distressing and upset, mostly due to the stressful state I've been in with school, work, etc. I'm also grateful to say that I have experienced some truly incredible blessings over this same period of time. I love my Heavenly Father, His son Jesus Christ - my Savior and friend, my wonderful family, and my awesome friends. I'm grateful for the Holy Spirit, the Comforter who always comes when I am humbled, broken, and afraid. It is through these relationships I have come to recognize some of the greatest beauty this world has to offer, and I know God intended for me to learn this. 

Once upon a time, two poor college students were looking to travel and see the world at as cheap a price as they can manage. Which so happened to be my friend Austin and I. The destination: Mexico, home of 'the taco'. We planned with expectations of beach volleyball, sun-kissing, and girl-friending (open to the potential of a green card marriage), etc. Our hopes were high! We would fly stand-by, thanks to my aunt, and we found a place to stay at a ridiculously good deal. In the weeks leading up to our trip, I received a call from the hotel we'd be staying at; they were expecting the payment for the 'mandatory all-inclusive' service, which was way more than we could afford (which they conveniently forgot to mention at the beginning). We switched to a hostel in the middle of the city of Cancun, which gave our parents the desire to bless us with these wise, inciting words: be careful. Many, many times. Apparently, there is a movie called 'Hostel' that is found in the genre of horror. I imagine it's quite frightening. 

Anywho, it didn't deter my excitement too much, as I love traveling, Spanish, food, beaches, and the sun in general. We attended General Conference up in Salt Lake City, a full day of listening to impactful words spoken by inspired men of God. It was amazing - the spirit of God was felt and I heard things that I know were intended for me to hear. We went to the SLC airport at 10 that night, hoping to board the flight to Orlando, then fly from Orlando to Cancun. We saw an old family friend of mine, their family was going to Cancun the same way we were, also stand-by. It was so great speaking with them! We made plans to meet up later in the week after we'd both arrived. 

Unfortunately, we didn't make the flight.  It filled up last second and so we decided to take a different route to Cancun. We left the next day for Long Beach, where we had a layover for 8 hours. 6 hours into it, we found out our flight was delayed 2 more hours. After finally making the flight, we arrived in San Francisco 5 minutes after our connecting flight took off, the next flight leaving 24 hours later. Luckily I have some amazing family in San Jose who sacrificed time and effort to pick us up and accommodate us, which was a huge blessing! They let us use a car, which allowed us to eat a ton of frozen yogurt, walk along the beach in Santa Cruz, and look at massive, lazy seals. It was an awesome experience! That night, we made our flight to Florida, stayed for 8 more hours in the airport, and then flew from Florida to Cancun. 

Upon arriving in Cancun, everything happening filled me with excitement. We had the best experiences, that were both humbling, and inspiring. Walking on the beach the night after our arrival, I was filled with the spirit as I realized that the journey of getting to Mexico was the same journey I am undertaking now in this mortal life. The disappointments when expectations aren't met, the frustrations, the impending crisis of a stagnant existence, etc. It was a rough 3 days of traveling! But amidst these difficult moments, we found time to laugh! We really enjoyed ourselves and made memories. There were times sitting in an airport where I thought to myself, it is my choice right now to be miserable, or be happy - positive and optimistic, or be negative and miserable. Those moments where I chose the first made my experience even better, and I absolutely loved it! Now, Austin and I talk about the adventure of getting there as much as the adventure of being there. 

To the millions of people who have been to Cancun, it is paradise. To me, it is also paradise - but in a deeper way. 

Alma 40:12 states: 

'And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.'

I felt peace. I felt rest. I felt happy. 

This experience taught me so much about my purpose on this earth (the traveling) and what comes after (Cancun). Not only should I be happy, but I want to be happy! Happiness is desired for me! There is such a thing as paradise, and God wants all of us to obtain it. As Jesus Christ suffered and died to save me from spiritual death, he also saved me from physical death. This is a perfect and beautiful way for me to learn and grow from my experiences; and the desire to live in this paradisiacal state after this life with those I love is an enabling power given me by a loving Father in Heaven to be stronger than I am, be greater than my flaws, relying on my potential and acting. My heart breaks every time I see someone in pain, and yet it is overjoyed when this same person learns from this experience and uses it to thank God - praising His name, acting with love and optimism in the face of trial and difficulty. 

I love my life. I love my circumstances. 'Men (and women) are that they might have joy'. 

Happy New Year!

A happy new year! 

So much to learn from the past

Look to the future

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had the best New Year's ever! As I've reflected on this past year, experiences of heartache, pain, sadness, confusion, and fear come to mind. However even more overwhelming than these are the greatest experiences of peace, joy, fulfillment, understanding, fun, humility, and love I may have ever previously experienced. With my limited perspective, I initially decided that 2015 couldn't possibly be as incredible as 2014 had been, even amidst the difficulties faced. I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who reveals His will and desires to His children, and being one of His children I have access to this empowering knowledge.

I was introduced to a video by a great friend of mine recently; made by the LDS church a few years ago on a previous New Year, the story of Lot's wife being the main topic of discussion (http://youtu.be/lrZij9MSTRI). To give a brief summary (the full account is given in Genesis 19), Lot and his family were told of the Lord to flee the city of Sodom and Gomorrah due to its increasing wickedness, leaving with them the command to 'look not behind'. As they were leaving the city, the temptation to look behind proved too great for Lot's wife, as she looked back and turned to a pillar of salt. Bummer, right? She must have experienced to some extent her fill of difficult circumstances there, and yet despite this along with the recurring evil taking place in her hometown, she looked not ahead to the future and instead turned, looking back to the past, to that which she was most comfortable with. This decision of hers placed her in a less-than-desirable situation (I can't imagine anyone wanting to be salt), and absolutely kept her from the blessings that God had prepared for her ahead. 

At the start of this new years I've realized that I've been looking backward at this past year, with its experiences, and its opportunities - even holding on to past mistakes and moments that were sad, painful, and difficult to move on from. Upon seeing this video, hearing this story again with this perspective, and contemplation, I recognized the limitations this places on my life, as well as all of ours if we apply it. For how important is this message to have the very son of God remind us in Luke 17:32, to 'remember Lot's wife'. 

Someone I admire greatly and think purely of as one of God's angels here on earth shared with me what she considered to be one of the greatest, if not her greatest, flaw - which was that she stays within the confines of what she is comfortable doing and doesn't branch out much, not experiencing new things. At first this seemed like a small issue and I didn't fully understand her view of this. I recently was able to recognize that her wisdom far surpasses my own, upon viewing this video and realizing that this is what she was talking about. 

How great God is, how loving and caring He is, and how desirous He is of our well-being. He truly wants the best for us, and has provided a way for all of us to achieve a fullness of peace, joy, and love in this life. Just as my friend was able to see how potentially debilitating it is to rely on ourselves and our own comforts, so must we recognize, and strive to turn to God in all things, trusting in Him, having faith that His plan for us is greater than anything we can fully comprehend. Understanding this is changing my life, providing me with the strength to wade through deep waters, and push forward in faith for a brighter future. Oh how happy we should be! Life is great! And God is paving the way for it to be even better. I know the purpose of this life is to learn, love fully, and to be happy. Happy New Year's! May we move forward in faith toward the bright future that God has provided for us in optimism and hope. 'Men (and women) are that they might have joy'. 

Being 'Smart' in Overcoming Adversity (lame pun)

I feel so blessed

Humbled to hear from Liz smart

Grateful for her words

Today at UVU, I had the opportunity to hear from Elizabeth Smart, who came to speak on overcoming adversity. I admit to feeling mortified upon hearing her story, the trials she faced at so young an age. She spoke however on the lessons she learned from this experience, and how she has been able to overcome it. A couple of things she shared stuck out to me in particular. The first was that of how her experience has given her an opportunity to reach out to people in a unique yet powerful way. She isn't some random girl speaking against sexual abuse - she is someone who lived through it. She mentioned how grateful she was to be able to use this experience to help others and make an impact on their lives. I admired how she was able to find the positive with such a dark and graphic memory that has no doubt left its scars. How grateful we should be with all we have - how humbled I feel to have my trials. To be able to turn weakness, pain, hardship into a positive is a skill worth developing... And like every skill, it takes much practice. The second thing she said that really touched me was actually not originally from her, but from her mother. After the two were reunited, her mother gave her the advice to be happy. Now it is more than just being happy, it is being happy in the face of the very adversity that should've been her downfall. Elizabeth Smart promised to live a happy life full of purpose and meaning, despite everything she has been through. And as far as I can see, she has been! Having served an LDS Mission, formed her own Foundation, public speaking, and gotten married among many other things. 

Her example impacted me so deeply because she emulates the Savior so well. As Jesus Christ hung on the cross in excruciating pain he prayed for the forgiveness of those very people who put him there. How easy it would be to become bitter, hateful, and miserable, blaming everyone and everything for every wrong that occurred to her. However she chose to trust God, love her family, and use this experience for good in helping others. As I've mentioned previously, I owe so much of the good in me to this trial I face. Therefore I am grateful for the things that make my life so hard, as they have provided me with the most significantly worthwhile moments. I was studying the scriptures when I felt inspired to write this note: 'The greatest joys and greatest successes are not without much suffering and trial of mind, body, and spirit. Temptations will be felt, but God is mindful and desires for me to use my will to turn to my Savior and His atonement, and overcome that stumbling block which was placed before me.' I stand here now with an even greater affirmation of the importance of optimism. I know that I am here to be happy. 'Men (and women) are that they might have joy'

P.S. I wrote a random sing for a class I had, and I felt that it could fit into the blog as it was my inspiration. First time ever and that much is apparent, however I hope you enjoy it! http://youtu.be/3qR_cv4Eep8

Have Hope!

This is super hard - 

But I can always have hope,

A powerful force. 

I haven't written in my blog for a while! There are always excuses to make which are valid, but what motivated me to start writing again was the realization that I missed it. It's been too long! I love looking at life in an optimistic way, and to be able to express my thoughts through this blog is a huge blessing. As I continue to battle with depression, I can't help but see it as darkness creeping around like a vignette edit in a photo - starting from the edges and moving inward. I feel as though this darkness emulates the feelings of hopelessness, fear, weakness, and loneliness. This darkness can be brought upon us by the consequences of our actions, whether they be mistakes made or persistent wrongs being acted on, or the actions of others that affect us - which transitions to events or happenings in our lives that affect our emotions; including but not being limited to breakups, losing a job, financial struggles, health difficulties, or the unexpected deaths of those close to us. Each of these bring a feeling of depression to all who live on this earth, healthy or not. To be diagnosed with depression is more like a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes for these unhappy feelings to interfere with life persistently for days, weeks, months, or even years to the extent that free agency is nearly taken away. The difficulty lies in being able to distinguish between these different stages of depression. I have experienced all of this in my life and have learned that there is one underlying force that keeps me moving forward and finding strength: hope. 

No matter what level of depression I may be in, it is important to find the good in myself. As I recognize my talents and the great qualities I possess, I am able to magnify my potential. And so it is with all of you. Interview yourself and find the things that you do well and are good at, which we are all blessed with. We must refrain from believing these talents and abilities elevate us above others to where we think we are 'better' than them, as this is pride and will overall cause us to crash to a deeper level of depression. Recognizing the good in ourselves is not pride; seeing the potential we possess for good is to have hope. As we achieve this mindset, we are better able to turn to others and forget ourselves. The difference between living a life where the thoughts are focused on the self and choosing to focus on others is night and day. Selfish thinking is a catalyst to the downward spiral of depression, whereas selfless thinking (and acting) is relief from the burden - true happiness may be experienced. Find in yourselves the hope that there is good in you, that you possess amazing talents. Then find the hope that you can transition these to the lightening of the burdens of others. Then ACT. Through much trial and error in my life I have come to learn that this hope is what makes all the difference. As flawed and imperfect as I am, the potential I possess far outweighs the bad. As Bishnu Adhikari says so beautifully, 'I am perfect in one thing, I'm perfect in trying' (taken from the movie 'Meet the Mormons'). Even if we do not feel this is true we must believe it is true, hope that it is real, and then act on that hope. 

The greatest reason to hope is that the Son of God has provided a way for even the very 'least of these' (which I surely am) to overcome pains, weaknesses, and overwhelming flaws. We must all be able to say with a surety the words in Philippians 4:13 - 'I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.' This is truth for the very spirit of God has testified to me that this is true. What better way to rid ourselves of the darkness that acts as a plague in our lives than to turn to the very source of light in the Savior Jesus Christ. Ponder His words offered in the Garden of Gethsemane amidst the excruciating pain of bearing our sins and imperfections: 

'Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done... And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly....'

Jesus Christ is our perfect exemplar and masterful teacher as by His actions we learn how we must face our agonizing times. He prays to the Father in Heaven, recognizing the trial He is facing. Humbly accepting that He can't do it on His own, He prays that the will of the Father will be done - even amidst the agony He faced, He prayed more earnestly. I know that if we follow His example in this that we will find peace, strength, and hope in our depression. May we maintain the hope that our Savior is our friend, and as such desires our well-being and has prepared a way for us to accomplish our potential... If we but turn to Him. I know this to be true and this knowledge saves me from daily torment and inspires me to see the beauty in the world. Please remember that it is possible to be optimistic in depression. 'Men (and women) are that they might have joy'. 

9/11

9/11

This is a post I wrote on September 11th, but haven't published until now. 

What a scary day,

Pain and loss and suffering;

Always remember. 

I feel overwhelmed at the thought of writing on the anniversary of this infamous day. However, I feel I must give tribute to the tragedy which occurred on September 11, 2001. As this is a blog about depression, I'd like to address the events of 9/11 in a way that is true to its namesake: Finding optimism in depression. Therefore I've decided that this post won't necessarily be for those with a chemical imbalance or those who have been diagnosed with depression, but rather for all of us who have ever felt depressed in any moment. It is entirely possible that every single person who saw, heard, or read about the events of 9/11 experienced depression in a personal, real, and scary way. I pray that my many weaknesses will not keep any who read this post from finding comfort, faith, and hope. 

Isaiah 41:10 reads:

'Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.'

This scripture influenced a verse in the hymn 'How Firm a Foundation', of which I shared in a previous post. Fear is the influence of the adversary, and isn't of God. Why should we fear knowing the God of the Earth and the Heavens is with us? That is a promise of God that He will help us. I've learned in my life that God, as Heavenly Father, is in actuality a parent; the divine father of my spirit. And as such I have recognized that He teaches me as would my incredible earthly parents. I always expect Him to be there and take away my problems. That He would drive away the thing that is causing me to fear. But that isn't His promise - His promise is that He is with us amidst that which is causing me to fear: the weight of financial discouragement, mental or physical illnesses, school, work, loss, heartache, pain - all of these things. This is so that we learn and gain strength. What is the benefit of having the Almighty God at our side? What is there to gain in recognizing His strength and turning to Him in times of difficulty? 

http://stikmup.blogspot.com/2011/12/harry-potter-quote-by-dumbledore.html

I was asked to share my favorite scripture by someone I truly appreciate and respect. This scripture has changed my life as it has taught me to trust in God and in His plan. I have grown to love Him deeper as I face hardships, and I have learned that with every tear shed, with every moment of doubt or fear, is compensated by the very same God of the scriptures, the God of today. I am so blessed and loved, and I owe much of this knowledge to this scripture, as well as all scriptures in general. 

Alma 26:12:

'Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.'

As I read this again I am humbled to know that my strength is God's strength. That as I turn to Him I am filled with His love, His peace, and His strength. The more I recognize how widespread depression and anxiety is, the more I pray that this message will be heard: That you aren't alone. That we are never alone. That we can do all things in Him who gave us this life and always hears our cries. There is so much joy and love in this life to be experienced, and it is available to all who truly seek it. I recognize this joy when I'm with my family, my friends, loved ones. When I feel the spirit of God comfort me, testify to me of eternal truths, and fill me with hope for the future. In knowing that the best is desired for me, and of me. To know of my potential and especially to know of the potential of all those around me as I strive to serve them. 

May God be with us in all our endeavors. Please remember that it is possible to have optimism in depression.