Being 'Smart' in Overcoming Adversity (lame pun)

I feel so blessed

Humbled to hear from Liz smart

Grateful for her words

Today at UVU, I had the opportunity to hear from Elizabeth Smart, who came to speak on overcoming adversity. I admit to feeling mortified upon hearing her story, the trials she faced at so young an age. She spoke however on the lessons she learned from this experience, and how she has been able to overcome it. A couple of things she shared stuck out to me in particular. The first was that of how her experience has given her an opportunity to reach out to people in a unique yet powerful way. She isn't some random girl speaking against sexual abuse - she is someone who lived through it. She mentioned how grateful she was to be able to use this experience to help others and make an impact on their lives. I admired how she was able to find the positive with such a dark and graphic memory that has no doubt left its scars. How grateful we should be with all we have - how humbled I feel to have my trials. To be able to turn weakness, pain, hardship into a positive is a skill worth developing... And like every skill, it takes much practice. The second thing she said that really touched me was actually not originally from her, but from her mother. After the two were reunited, her mother gave her the advice to be happy. Now it is more than just being happy, it is being happy in the face of the very adversity that should've been her downfall. Elizabeth Smart promised to live a happy life full of purpose and meaning, despite everything she has been through. And as far as I can see, she has been! Having served an LDS Mission, formed her own Foundation, public speaking, and gotten married among many other things. 

Her example impacted me so deeply because she emulates the Savior so well. As Jesus Christ hung on the cross in excruciating pain he prayed for the forgiveness of those very people who put him there. How easy it would be to become bitter, hateful, and miserable, blaming everyone and everything for every wrong that occurred to her. However she chose to trust God, love her family, and use this experience for good in helping others. As I've mentioned previously, I owe so much of the good in me to this trial I face. Therefore I am grateful for the things that make my life so hard, as they have provided me with the most significantly worthwhile moments. I was studying the scriptures when I felt inspired to write this note: 'The greatest joys and greatest successes are not without much suffering and trial of mind, body, and spirit. Temptations will be felt, but God is mindful and desires for me to use my will to turn to my Savior and His atonement, and overcome that stumbling block which was placed before me.' I stand here now with an even greater affirmation of the importance of optimism. I know that I am here to be happy. 'Men (and women) are that they might have joy'

P.S. I wrote a random sing for a class I had, and I felt that it could fit into the blog as it was my inspiration. First time ever and that much is apparent, however I hope you enjoy it! http://youtu.be/3qR_cv4Eep8

Have Hope!

This is super hard - 

But I can always have hope,

A powerful force. 

I haven't written in my blog for a while! There are always excuses to make which are valid, but what motivated me to start writing again was the realization that I missed it. It's been too long! I love looking at life in an optimistic way, and to be able to express my thoughts through this blog is a huge blessing. As I continue to battle with depression, I can't help but see it as darkness creeping around like a vignette edit in a photo - starting from the edges and moving inward. I feel as though this darkness emulates the feelings of hopelessness, fear, weakness, and loneliness. This darkness can be brought upon us by the consequences of our actions, whether they be mistakes made or persistent wrongs being acted on, or the actions of others that affect us - which transitions to events or happenings in our lives that affect our emotions; including but not being limited to breakups, losing a job, financial struggles, health difficulties, or the unexpected deaths of those close to us. Each of these bring a feeling of depression to all who live on this earth, healthy or not. To be diagnosed with depression is more like a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes for these unhappy feelings to interfere with life persistently for days, weeks, months, or even years to the extent that free agency is nearly taken away. The difficulty lies in being able to distinguish between these different stages of depression. I have experienced all of this in my life and have learned that there is one underlying force that keeps me moving forward and finding strength: hope. 

No matter what level of depression I may be in, it is important to find the good in myself. As I recognize my talents and the great qualities I possess, I am able to magnify my potential. And so it is with all of you. Interview yourself and find the things that you do well and are good at, which we are all blessed with. We must refrain from believing these talents and abilities elevate us above others to where we think we are 'better' than them, as this is pride and will overall cause us to crash to a deeper level of depression. Recognizing the good in ourselves is not pride; seeing the potential we possess for good is to have hope. As we achieve this mindset, we are better able to turn to others and forget ourselves. The difference between living a life where the thoughts are focused on the self and choosing to focus on others is night and day. Selfish thinking is a catalyst to the downward spiral of depression, whereas selfless thinking (and acting) is relief from the burden - true happiness may be experienced. Find in yourselves the hope that there is good in you, that you possess amazing talents. Then find the hope that you can transition these to the lightening of the burdens of others. Then ACT. Through much trial and error in my life I have come to learn that this hope is what makes all the difference. As flawed and imperfect as I am, the potential I possess far outweighs the bad. As Bishnu Adhikari says so beautifully, 'I am perfect in one thing, I'm perfect in trying' (taken from the movie 'Meet the Mormons'). Even if we do not feel this is true we must believe it is true, hope that it is real, and then act on that hope. 

The greatest reason to hope is that the Son of God has provided a way for even the very 'least of these' (which I surely am) to overcome pains, weaknesses, and overwhelming flaws. We must all be able to say with a surety the words in Philippians 4:13 - 'I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.' This is truth for the very spirit of God has testified to me that this is true. What better way to rid ourselves of the darkness that acts as a plague in our lives than to turn to the very source of light in the Savior Jesus Christ. Ponder His words offered in the Garden of Gethsemane amidst the excruciating pain of bearing our sins and imperfections: 

'Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done... And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly....'

Jesus Christ is our perfect exemplar and masterful teacher as by His actions we learn how we must face our agonizing times. He prays to the Father in Heaven, recognizing the trial He is facing. Humbly accepting that He can't do it on His own, He prays that the will of the Father will be done - even amidst the agony He faced, He prayed more earnestly. I know that if we follow His example in this that we will find peace, strength, and hope in our depression. May we maintain the hope that our Savior is our friend, and as such desires our well-being and has prepared a way for us to accomplish our potential... If we but turn to Him. I know this to be true and this knowledge saves me from daily torment and inspires me to see the beauty in the world. Please remember that it is possible to be optimistic in depression. 'Men (and women) are that they might have joy'. 

9/11

9/11

This is a post I wrote on September 11th, but haven't published until now. 

What a scary day,

Pain and loss and suffering;

Always remember. 

I feel overwhelmed at the thought of writing on the anniversary of this infamous day. However, I feel I must give tribute to the tragedy which occurred on September 11, 2001. As this is a blog about depression, I'd like to address the events of 9/11 in a way that is true to its namesake: Finding optimism in depression. Therefore I've decided that this post won't necessarily be for those with a chemical imbalance or those who have been diagnosed with depression, but rather for all of us who have ever felt depressed in any moment. It is entirely possible that every single person who saw, heard, or read about the events of 9/11 experienced depression in a personal, real, and scary way. I pray that my many weaknesses will not keep any who read this post from finding comfort, faith, and hope. 

Isaiah 41:10 reads:

'Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.'

This scripture influenced a verse in the hymn 'How Firm a Foundation', of which I shared in a previous post. Fear is the influence of the adversary, and isn't of God. Why should we fear knowing the God of the Earth and the Heavens is with us? That is a promise of God that He will help us. I've learned in my life that God, as Heavenly Father, is in actuality a parent; the divine father of my spirit. And as such I have recognized that He teaches me as would my incredible earthly parents. I always expect Him to be there and take away my problems. That He would drive away the thing that is causing me to fear. But that isn't His promise - His promise is that He is with us amidst that which is causing me to fear: the weight of financial discouragement, mental or physical illnesses, school, work, loss, heartache, pain - all of these things. This is so that we learn and gain strength. What is the benefit of having the Almighty God at our side? What is there to gain in recognizing His strength and turning to Him in times of difficulty? 

http://stikmup.blogspot.com/2011/12/harry-potter-quote-by-dumbledore.html

I was asked to share my favorite scripture by someone I truly appreciate and respect. This scripture has changed my life as it has taught me to trust in God and in His plan. I have grown to love Him deeper as I face hardships, and I have learned that with every tear shed, with every moment of doubt or fear, is compensated by the very same God of the scriptures, the God of today. I am so blessed and loved, and I owe much of this knowledge to this scripture, as well as all scriptures in general. 

Alma 26:12:

'Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.'

As I read this again I am humbled to know that my strength is God's strength. That as I turn to Him I am filled with His love, His peace, and His strength. The more I recognize how widespread depression and anxiety is, the more I pray that this message will be heard: That you aren't alone. That we are never alone. That we can do all things in Him who gave us this life and always hears our cries. There is so much joy and love in this life to be experienced, and it is available to all who truly seek it. I recognize this joy when I'm with my family, my friends, loved ones. When I feel the spirit of God comfort me, testify to me of eternal truths, and fill me with hope for the future. In knowing that the best is desired for me, and of me. To know of my potential and especially to know of the potential of all those around me as I strive to serve them. 

May God be with us in all our endeavors. Please remember that it is possible to have optimism in depression. 

Climbing Mountains

Back in school again

Along with all the crazy

A mountain to climb

Hello again! I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post, I have been pretty busy with starting another semester of school, work, soccer, and all that super jazz! It has been an interesting adventure starting school again and experiencing the crazy juju rumbly tumbly in my head as I try to balance finances, work, school, AND being social (which is really important to me, I've recognized that I'm at my lowest more times than not when I'm alone and idle). It even appears at times to be too much! Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is a major, and furthermore a career. I would have to say I am in a 'pickle' in regards to where I'm at in my decision making in general. I can't even approach a fast food counter without flipping out over all of the options available to me. It is so difficult for me to make decisions that I find myself questioning my every decision and second guessing my actions, especially in regards to my future. I do have ideas of what I would like to pursue in a major and career, however these ideas are still in the mixing stage of becoming concrete, and have not yet taken its hardened form. Sometimes I even feel covered in concrete! With the burden, the ugliness (I forget my makeup for ONE DAY and people approach me as though I'm carrying an incurable disease --- jokes, I don't wear makeup, I just have sisters), and constantly feeling uncomfortable. I owe this discomfort to my sweet companion, anxiety, who must absolutely love me as I'm constantly feeling the affects of it. 

And yet with all of this going on, I feel great! I feel so excited to be here in this moment of my life! Yep it sucks hardcore, and no it isn't easy. But it hasn't only been bad! I'm so grateful to recognize how great this part of my life is, and how truly blessed I am. One of the reasons I'm able to look up instead of down I owe to my hobby, rock climbing. Like many things in life, it is as much mental as it is physical. I don't really top rope it, which is when you hike to the top and tie the rope in. I usually lead climb it, which is when you hook the rope to the wall as you're climbing up it until you get to the top. And as much as I love rock climbing, it scares my insides to my outsides, haha. But I have learned one of the most valuable life lessons yet from it: keep going, keep pushing, keep fighting, and it will all be worth it. I've even come to learn that the entire process is worth it! The fear, mentally fighting against it, pushing myself and accomplishing something difficult. 

As I've applied this to my every day life, I've been able to appreciate even the difficult circumstances. Although sometimes it is a lot easier to appreciate them after the fact... Like an embarrassing story that I can only tell at parties 8 years after it happened. But I do appreciate them! I've been able to take this first week of the new semester, with all its stress and frustrations, and turn around and say wow, that was worth it. Wow, I had a good time! 

To say I was able to do it on my own would be a lie and entirely selfish/ prideful of me. I've been given strength by God to be able to do all of these little things. Which, in all honesty, I feel completely undeserving of His great love and grace. And yet, His blessings still come. He gives me mountains to climb, and then gives me the strength to climb them. If I but turn to Him, and try a little harder. 

I'm reminded of the scripture in Mosiah, when Alma and his people are in bondage and experiencing extreme trials:

'And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort...

And I will... ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.'

I'm so grateful for Him in showing me the joys and blessings of this life. Even amidst the heartache and the pains that are included. He surely does visit us in our afflictions, as trivial or grave they may seem. I love Him and I love you. 

I Lived

In the midst of fear
I'm surrounded by angels
Sent to me by God

Hello again! Wow what a week this has been! I would like to thank you all so much for not only reading my blog, but also for the positive support I've received! This has definitely been one of the scariest things I've ever done, but you've all been so wonderful towards me in your words and actions, to where it has helped me tremendously. It has been a humbling experience to hear from all of you and I truly consider it a tender mercy of The Lord. So once again I thank you for your kind hearts and pure intentions. I am reminded of the words spoken by Elder Jeffrey Holland, an apostle for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints:

'...God has used angels as His emissaries in conveying love and concern for His children... Usually such beings are not seen. Sometimes they are. But seen or unseen they are always near... I have spoken here of heavenly help, of angels dispatched to bless us in time of need. But when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with--here, now, every day. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us, and in my case, one of them consented to marry me. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind.'

I'm grateful for your angelic acts toward me, but I am especially filled with the confidence and peace that you are angels to all those around you.

A few weeks ago I was laying in bed and I was filled with fear. I don't remember what I was afraid of - it could've been indigestion, or girls, or more realistically the future, and of my health problems -  but I do remember the feeling of fear that seemed to encompass my very being and spiral me out of control. The third verse in the hymn 'How Firm A Foundation' came to my mind, which I would like to share:

'3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.'

Immediately my mind was put at ease and I was able to rest peacefully. I make you all reading these words the promise that God is personally invested in your life. For He is with us and will give us aid. If He can manifest himself to me by way of the spirit in times of need, as weak as I am and as unworthy as I am to receive such blessings - how incredibly qualified are all of you of His blessings and presence in your life! So once more it is my wish that it is recognized that we are never alone in our trials, nor in our difficult circumstances.

Last night as I was driving home, the song 'I Lived' by One Republic came on. I haven't heard this song in forever (which is probably closer to 8+ months, but I'm young and say dumb stuff all the time - aka YOLO NO POLO TOTES DEM PEEPS BE LIKE HASHTAG - no wonder learning English is so hard!), and I was reminded of my love for this song. If you have time, listen to the lyrics of this song. It reminds me to take advantage of this life, and to experience everything I can and to live life to the fullest. To be able to look back and say 'sheesh that was a difficult mountain with ugly paths and weeds, but LOOK AT THAT VIEW!'

I love you all, and I am available to you if any of you need help of any kind. Please remember that it is possible to be optimistic in depression. 'Men (and women) are that they might have joy'.

Optimism in depression - FIRST POST!

Optimism in depression

First off, a collection of haiku's:

Ooh! A cockroach! 

Pickles and tickles and such. 

These are things I hate. 

Feeling unhappy

Can't control the darkness

Clouding the reason

Turning to God

A light in all the darkness

Holy freaking cow

Cows have black spots

As black as my dark moments

I am like a cow!

Cows live on farms

And farmers are hard workers

I must give effort. 

I know I'm worth it

How I want to be happy! 

It all starts with me

I may need help

I can't do this on my own

You are not alone

Hello hello! My name is Alek and I have major depression and severe anxiety! Now, this isn't something to celebrate, in fact it is the most trying thing I have ever experienced in my entire life. And the worst thing about it is that it is always with me! There is always a part of me that recognizes myself as a loser, unworthy, weak, imperfect, flawed, dumb, and all of those other wonderfully uplifting descriptions. However I have learned in my life to recognize that there truly is a silver lining in all things. In fact, I have come to learn that every good thing about me I owe to my Savior Jesus Christ, my family, and to this very trial that seems at times to overwhelm me. Which is why I have decided to start this blog! To show that there really can be optimism in depression. 

I've been thinking about this for a while now, but something that really pushed me to post this today was the tragic death of Robin Williams. That man has caused me to laugh in classics such as Mrs. Doubtfire, and Patch Adams, while in other movies inspire me through his words, such as in Good Will Hunting, and Dead Poets Society. Even more tragic than his death, is the evidence pointing to his apparent suicide. It's a huge shock to imagine someone who delights in laughter and the laughter of others, as well as having the appearance of always being happy, ever being depressed or unhappy. 

On this level I feel like I can relate. Many people with whom I confide my health problems have exclaimed that it is 'impossible' that I am depressed, me being a 'happy person all the time'. Oh, it's very possible! Haha. There is sometimes a person filled with pain and anguish on the inside. But never mind that life gets me down to the degree of thinking to hurt myself and sometimes entertaining the thought of other worse things. Never mind my struggle to feel happy, as though that option is entirely unavailable to me. I am here to say that I have felt all those things - but I have also felt joy, peace, love. All of the things that not only make this life bearable, but absolutely worth it. And all of you can too. 

The first thing is to recognize that depression is very similar to breaking a leg. If you break a leg, you aren't going to push through it, or pray that it is healed and you keep walking on it. No way Che! You go to the doctors and listen to their guidance and then follow where they lead you, whether that be a necessary readjustment, surgery, or even simply placing it in a cast. That is necessary to recovering! And so it is with depression. There are medications that can be prescribed, as well as therapists available to talk to. Finding the right medication can be a long and difficult process, but it is one that is so worth it when the right medication is found and it helps level out those crazy moods. Because the feeling of depression is literally as though the ability to experience good emotions is impossible. But we can and should have control over our emotions - and that option is available to us. 

The next step is to mentally discover and acknowledge the things we are grateful for. The more I think about those things I'm grateful for, the more my burden is lightened and I'm able to see the good things that life has to offer. Like my wonderful family, or my super stellar friends, or my fantasy football league. There are literally MILLIONS of things to be grateful for! And every one of those things have saved my life, for which I am eternally grateful. 

This last step I'd like to mention is to recognize that we aren't alone in this. There is a support system that I like to follow. First, turn to God and trust in Him, as well as the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ. He has taken upon Himself all of our sufferings and transgressions. How cool is it to know that the very Being who created this earth is personally invested in you and your progression? But that scripture that says 'knock and it shall be opened to you' means that we must act and turn to him and His strength will be available for us. That's kind of like the neatest thing in the whole world. I have felt His presence lift me up and give me hope. Second, turn to family/ guardians and/ or older people in whom we trust - like a teacher, or a religious leader. Third, trust in your friends and your peers in whom you trust. Trust in me - someone who is walking that very path you are on. If there is anything you got out of this post it should be this: that you are not alone. We do not go through this alone, and when things are tough we can lean on others to strengthen us. Especially when it's difficult. 

Please remember that it is always possible to be optimistic in depression. And it is the best thing ever :D 'men (and women) are that they might have joy'.