Climbing Mountains

Back in school again

Along with all the crazy

A mountain to climb

Hello again! I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post, I have been pretty busy with starting another semester of school, work, soccer, and all that super jazz! It has been an interesting adventure starting school again and experiencing the crazy juju rumbly tumbly in my head as I try to balance finances, work, school, AND being social (which is really important to me, I've recognized that I'm at my lowest more times than not when I'm alone and idle). It even appears at times to be too much! Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is a major, and furthermore a career. I would have to say I am in a 'pickle' in regards to where I'm at in my decision making in general. I can't even approach a fast food counter without flipping out over all of the options available to me. It is so difficult for me to make decisions that I find myself questioning my every decision and second guessing my actions, especially in regards to my future. I do have ideas of what I would like to pursue in a major and career, however these ideas are still in the mixing stage of becoming concrete, and have not yet taken its hardened form. Sometimes I even feel covered in concrete! With the burden, the ugliness (I forget my makeup for ONE DAY and people approach me as though I'm carrying an incurable disease --- jokes, I don't wear makeup, I just have sisters), and constantly feeling uncomfortable. I owe this discomfort to my sweet companion, anxiety, who must absolutely love me as I'm constantly feeling the affects of it. 

And yet with all of this going on, I feel great! I feel so excited to be here in this moment of my life! Yep it sucks hardcore, and no it isn't easy. But it hasn't only been bad! I'm so grateful to recognize how great this part of my life is, and how truly blessed I am. One of the reasons I'm able to look up instead of down I owe to my hobby, rock climbing. Like many things in life, it is as much mental as it is physical. I don't really top rope it, which is when you hike to the top and tie the rope in. I usually lead climb it, which is when you hook the rope to the wall as you're climbing up it until you get to the top. And as much as I love rock climbing, it scares my insides to my outsides, haha. But I have learned one of the most valuable life lessons yet from it: keep going, keep pushing, keep fighting, and it will all be worth it. I've even come to learn that the entire process is worth it! The fear, mentally fighting against it, pushing myself and accomplishing something difficult. 

As I've applied this to my every day life, I've been able to appreciate even the difficult circumstances. Although sometimes it is a lot easier to appreciate them after the fact... Like an embarrassing story that I can only tell at parties 8 years after it happened. But I do appreciate them! I've been able to take this first week of the new semester, with all its stress and frustrations, and turn around and say wow, that was worth it. Wow, I had a good time! 

To say I was able to do it on my own would be a lie and entirely selfish/ prideful of me. I've been given strength by God to be able to do all of these little things. Which, in all honesty, I feel completely undeserving of His great love and grace. And yet, His blessings still come. He gives me mountains to climb, and then gives me the strength to climb them. If I but turn to Him, and try a little harder. 

I'm reminded of the scripture in Mosiah, when Alma and his people are in bondage and experiencing extreme trials:

'And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort...

And I will... ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.'

I'm so grateful for Him in showing me the joys and blessings of this life. Even amidst the heartache and the pains that are included. He surely does visit us in our afflictions, as trivial or grave they may seem. I love Him and I love you. 

I Lived

In the midst of fear
I'm surrounded by angels
Sent to me by God

Hello again! Wow what a week this has been! I would like to thank you all so much for not only reading my blog, but also for the positive support I've received! This has definitely been one of the scariest things I've ever done, but you've all been so wonderful towards me in your words and actions, to where it has helped me tremendously. It has been a humbling experience to hear from all of you and I truly consider it a tender mercy of The Lord. So once again I thank you for your kind hearts and pure intentions. I am reminded of the words spoken by Elder Jeffrey Holland, an apostle for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints:

'...God has used angels as His emissaries in conveying love and concern for His children... Usually such beings are not seen. Sometimes they are. But seen or unseen they are always near... I have spoken here of heavenly help, of angels dispatched to bless us in time of need. But when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with--here, now, every day. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us, and in my case, one of them consented to marry me. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind.'

I'm grateful for your angelic acts toward me, but I am especially filled with the confidence and peace that you are angels to all those around you.

A few weeks ago I was laying in bed and I was filled with fear. I don't remember what I was afraid of - it could've been indigestion, or girls, or more realistically the future, and of my health problems -  but I do remember the feeling of fear that seemed to encompass my very being and spiral me out of control. The third verse in the hymn 'How Firm A Foundation' came to my mind, which I would like to share:

'3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.'

Immediately my mind was put at ease and I was able to rest peacefully. I make you all reading these words the promise that God is personally invested in your life. For He is with us and will give us aid. If He can manifest himself to me by way of the spirit in times of need, as weak as I am and as unworthy as I am to receive such blessings - how incredibly qualified are all of you of His blessings and presence in your life! So once more it is my wish that it is recognized that we are never alone in our trials, nor in our difficult circumstances.

Last night as I was driving home, the song 'I Lived' by One Republic came on. I haven't heard this song in forever (which is probably closer to 8+ months, but I'm young and say dumb stuff all the time - aka YOLO NO POLO TOTES DEM PEEPS BE LIKE HASHTAG - no wonder learning English is so hard!), and I was reminded of my love for this song. If you have time, listen to the lyrics of this song. It reminds me to take advantage of this life, and to experience everything I can and to live life to the fullest. To be able to look back and say 'sheesh that was a difficult mountain with ugly paths and weeds, but LOOK AT THAT VIEW!'

I love you all, and I am available to you if any of you need help of any kind. Please remember that it is possible to be optimistic in depression. 'Men (and women) are that they might have joy'.

Optimism in depression - FIRST POST!

Optimism in depression

First off, a collection of haiku's:

Ooh! A cockroach! 

Pickles and tickles and such. 

These are things I hate. 

Feeling unhappy

Can't control the darkness

Clouding the reason

Turning to God

A light in all the darkness

Holy freaking cow

Cows have black spots

As black as my dark moments

I am like a cow!

Cows live on farms

And farmers are hard workers

I must give effort. 

I know I'm worth it

How I want to be happy! 

It all starts with me

I may need help

I can't do this on my own

You are not alone

Hello hello! My name is Alek and I have major depression and severe anxiety! Now, this isn't something to celebrate, in fact it is the most trying thing I have ever experienced in my entire life. And the worst thing about it is that it is always with me! There is always a part of me that recognizes myself as a loser, unworthy, weak, imperfect, flawed, dumb, and all of those other wonderfully uplifting descriptions. However I have learned in my life to recognize that there truly is a silver lining in all things. In fact, I have come to learn that every good thing about me I owe to my Savior Jesus Christ, my family, and to this very trial that seems at times to overwhelm me. Which is why I have decided to start this blog! To show that there really can be optimism in depression. 

I've been thinking about this for a while now, but something that really pushed me to post this today was the tragic death of Robin Williams. That man has caused me to laugh in classics such as Mrs. Doubtfire, and Patch Adams, while in other movies inspire me through his words, such as in Good Will Hunting, and Dead Poets Society. Even more tragic than his death, is the evidence pointing to his apparent suicide. It's a huge shock to imagine someone who delights in laughter and the laughter of others, as well as having the appearance of always being happy, ever being depressed or unhappy. 

On this level I feel like I can relate. Many people with whom I confide my health problems have exclaimed that it is 'impossible' that I am depressed, me being a 'happy person all the time'. Oh, it's very possible! Haha. There is sometimes a person filled with pain and anguish on the inside. But never mind that life gets me down to the degree of thinking to hurt myself and sometimes entertaining the thought of other worse things. Never mind my struggle to feel happy, as though that option is entirely unavailable to me. I am here to say that I have felt all those things - but I have also felt joy, peace, love. All of the things that not only make this life bearable, but absolutely worth it. And all of you can too. 

The first thing is to recognize that depression is very similar to breaking a leg. If you break a leg, you aren't going to push through it, or pray that it is healed and you keep walking on it. No way Che! You go to the doctors and listen to their guidance and then follow where they lead you, whether that be a necessary readjustment, surgery, or even simply placing it in a cast. That is necessary to recovering! And so it is with depression. There are medications that can be prescribed, as well as therapists available to talk to. Finding the right medication can be a long and difficult process, but it is one that is so worth it when the right medication is found and it helps level out those crazy moods. Because the feeling of depression is literally as though the ability to experience good emotions is impossible. But we can and should have control over our emotions - and that option is available to us. 

The next step is to mentally discover and acknowledge the things we are grateful for. The more I think about those things I'm grateful for, the more my burden is lightened and I'm able to see the good things that life has to offer. Like my wonderful family, or my super stellar friends, or my fantasy football league. There are literally MILLIONS of things to be grateful for! And every one of those things have saved my life, for which I am eternally grateful. 

This last step I'd like to mention is to recognize that we aren't alone in this. There is a support system that I like to follow. First, turn to God and trust in Him, as well as the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ. He has taken upon Himself all of our sufferings and transgressions. How cool is it to know that the very Being who created this earth is personally invested in you and your progression? But that scripture that says 'knock and it shall be opened to you' means that we must act and turn to him and His strength will be available for us. That's kind of like the neatest thing in the whole world. I have felt His presence lift me up and give me hope. Second, turn to family/ guardians and/ or older people in whom we trust - like a teacher, or a religious leader. Third, trust in your friends and your peers in whom you trust. Trust in me - someone who is walking that very path you are on. If there is anything you got out of this post it should be this: that you are not alone. We do not go through this alone, and when things are tough we can lean on others to strengthen us. Especially when it's difficult. 

Please remember that it is always possible to be optimistic in depression. And it is the best thing ever :D 'men (and women) are that they might have joy'.