Have Hope!

This is super hard - 

But I can always have hope,

A powerful force. 

I haven't written in my blog for a while! There are always excuses to make which are valid, but what motivated me to start writing again was the realization that I missed it. It's been too long! I love looking at life in an optimistic way, and to be able to express my thoughts through this blog is a huge blessing. As I continue to battle with depression, I can't help but see it as darkness creeping around like a vignette edit in a photo - starting from the edges and moving inward. I feel as though this darkness emulates the feelings of hopelessness, fear, weakness, and loneliness. This darkness can be brought upon us by the consequences of our actions, whether they be mistakes made or persistent wrongs being acted on, or the actions of others that affect us - which transitions to events or happenings in our lives that affect our emotions; including but not being limited to breakups, losing a job, financial struggles, health difficulties, or the unexpected deaths of those close to us. Each of these bring a feeling of depression to all who live on this earth, healthy or not. To be diagnosed with depression is more like a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes for these unhappy feelings to interfere with life persistently for days, weeks, months, or even years to the extent that free agency is nearly taken away. The difficulty lies in being able to distinguish between these different stages of depression. I have experienced all of this in my life and have learned that there is one underlying force that keeps me moving forward and finding strength: hope. 

No matter what level of depression I may be in, it is important to find the good in myself. As I recognize my talents and the great qualities I possess, I am able to magnify my potential. And so it is with all of you. Interview yourself and find the things that you do well and are good at, which we are all blessed with. We must refrain from believing these talents and abilities elevate us above others to where we think we are 'better' than them, as this is pride and will overall cause us to crash to a deeper level of depression. Recognizing the good in ourselves is not pride; seeing the potential we possess for good is to have hope. As we achieve this mindset, we are better able to turn to others and forget ourselves. The difference between living a life where the thoughts are focused on the self and choosing to focus on others is night and day. Selfish thinking is a catalyst to the downward spiral of depression, whereas selfless thinking (and acting) is relief from the burden - true happiness may be experienced. Find in yourselves the hope that there is good in you, that you possess amazing talents. Then find the hope that you can transition these to the lightening of the burdens of others. Then ACT. Through much trial and error in my life I have come to learn that this hope is what makes all the difference. As flawed and imperfect as I am, the potential I possess far outweighs the bad. As Bishnu Adhikari says so beautifully, 'I am perfect in one thing, I'm perfect in trying' (taken from the movie 'Meet the Mormons'). Even if we do not feel this is true we must believe it is true, hope that it is real, and then act on that hope. 

The greatest reason to hope is that the Son of God has provided a way for even the very 'least of these' (which I surely am) to overcome pains, weaknesses, and overwhelming flaws. We must all be able to say with a surety the words in Philippians 4:13 - 'I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.' This is truth for the very spirit of God has testified to me that this is true. What better way to rid ourselves of the darkness that acts as a plague in our lives than to turn to the very source of light in the Savior Jesus Christ. Ponder His words offered in the Garden of Gethsemane amidst the excruciating pain of bearing our sins and imperfections: 

'Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done... And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly....'

Jesus Christ is our perfect exemplar and masterful teacher as by His actions we learn how we must face our agonizing times. He prays to the Father in Heaven, recognizing the trial He is facing. Humbly accepting that He can't do it on His own, He prays that the will of the Father will be done - even amidst the agony He faced, He prayed more earnestly. I know that if we follow His example in this that we will find peace, strength, and hope in our depression. May we maintain the hope that our Savior is our friend, and as such desires our well-being and has prepared a way for us to accomplish our potential... If we but turn to Him. I know this to be true and this knowledge saves me from daily torment and inspires me to see the beauty in the world. Please remember that it is possible to be optimistic in depression. 'Men (and women) are that they might have joy'. 

Climbing Mountains

Back in school again

Along with all the crazy

A mountain to climb

Hello again! I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post, I have been pretty busy with starting another semester of school, work, soccer, and all that super jazz! It has been an interesting adventure starting school again and experiencing the crazy juju rumbly tumbly in my head as I try to balance finances, work, school, AND being social (which is really important to me, I've recognized that I'm at my lowest more times than not when I'm alone and idle). It even appears at times to be too much! Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is a major, and furthermore a career. I would have to say I am in a 'pickle' in regards to where I'm at in my decision making in general. I can't even approach a fast food counter without flipping out over all of the options available to me. It is so difficult for me to make decisions that I find myself questioning my every decision and second guessing my actions, especially in regards to my future. I do have ideas of what I would like to pursue in a major and career, however these ideas are still in the mixing stage of becoming concrete, and have not yet taken its hardened form. Sometimes I even feel covered in concrete! With the burden, the ugliness (I forget my makeup for ONE DAY and people approach me as though I'm carrying an incurable disease --- jokes, I don't wear makeup, I just have sisters), and constantly feeling uncomfortable. I owe this discomfort to my sweet companion, anxiety, who must absolutely love me as I'm constantly feeling the affects of it. 

And yet with all of this going on, I feel great! I feel so excited to be here in this moment of my life! Yep it sucks hardcore, and no it isn't easy. But it hasn't only been bad! I'm so grateful to recognize how great this part of my life is, and how truly blessed I am. One of the reasons I'm able to look up instead of down I owe to my hobby, rock climbing. Like many things in life, it is as much mental as it is physical. I don't really top rope it, which is when you hike to the top and tie the rope in. I usually lead climb it, which is when you hook the rope to the wall as you're climbing up it until you get to the top. And as much as I love rock climbing, it scares my insides to my outsides, haha. But I have learned one of the most valuable life lessons yet from it: keep going, keep pushing, keep fighting, and it will all be worth it. I've even come to learn that the entire process is worth it! The fear, mentally fighting against it, pushing myself and accomplishing something difficult. 

As I've applied this to my every day life, I've been able to appreciate even the difficult circumstances. Although sometimes it is a lot easier to appreciate them after the fact... Like an embarrassing story that I can only tell at parties 8 years after it happened. But I do appreciate them! I've been able to take this first week of the new semester, with all its stress and frustrations, and turn around and say wow, that was worth it. Wow, I had a good time! 

To say I was able to do it on my own would be a lie and entirely selfish/ prideful of me. I've been given strength by God to be able to do all of these little things. Which, in all honesty, I feel completely undeserving of His great love and grace. And yet, His blessings still come. He gives me mountains to climb, and then gives me the strength to climb them. If I but turn to Him, and try a little harder. 

I'm reminded of the scripture in Mosiah, when Alma and his people are in bondage and experiencing extreme trials:

'And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort...

And I will... ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.'

I'm so grateful for Him in showing me the joys and blessings of this life. Even amidst the heartache and the pains that are included. He surely does visit us in our afflictions, as trivial or grave they may seem. I love Him and I love you.