The Tragedy of Indifference

What's Indifference? 
We See It All Around Us
But What Can We Do?

Indifference is defined as such: 'lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.' One of the ways Doctors determine whether someone is depressed or not is with indifference. Are there things we used to enjoy doing but now don't bring us pleasure? Has sadness become such a common emotion that it feels natural? Are we numb? Do we feel anything at all? 

In many ways does this apply to those who struggle with depression. However, I feel the topic of indifference applies to everyone, not just those who struggle with depression. 

In my personal opinion, the range of human emotion and our ability to empathize are tools that guide us in our true purpose in life: Relationships.

There are 7.5 billion people in the world, and we interact with each other on a daily basis. One could avoid human contact and immerse oneself in nature... But there will always be something missing. For example...

Christopher McCandless was a man who left civilization to be in 'the most ancient of human conditions', hitchhiking his way across the United States and ending up in Alaska. He refers to this as his 'spiritual pilgrimage', and experiences tremendous joy upon self-reflecting throughout, even stating that relationships aren't necessary for happiness. What I find interesting is what he wrote in his final moments before dying: 

'Happiness is only real when shared'.

He recognized the power of relationships in that moment, and I interpret that as pure empathy. Empathy being 'the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.' To share the feelings of another. 

Whether it be in politics, religion, education, or work... We are constantly interacting with people, and we develop micro-relationships with each other. How we treat those relationships is everything. How we feel and share feelings is everything. 

Elie Wiesel has said,

 'The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.'

The structure of human existence is built on these relationships, and for every moment of indifference where we don't care, the structure is weakened. 

I have recognized in myself a level of indifference in regards to certain topics. It truly is a tragedy as all that could've been experienced is put aside with indifference. As trials are experienced by others and we are indifferent. Indifference towards the upcoming presidential election doesn't create blissful ignorance, but affects you, me, and the relationships of every individual in the country, as well as the world. 

My hope is that we will strive to have interest, concern, and sympathy in this life.

'Life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured.'
- Anthony J. D'Angelo

10 Lessons I've Recently Learned From Anxiety

Heartbeat is Racing
Not in the 'I'm in Love' Way
But Anxiety

I recently took a test to figure out the level of my anxiety and I discovered I scored double the amount that was considered 'severe'. I have grown accustomed to the way my body reacts when I'm anxious, so this was naturally surprising for me to discover. Although I have absolutely improved in managing depression and anxiety, it will always be something I need to work on. 

This has taught me several things:

1) Anxiety and depression isn't something to be cured, but managed. 

2) If it isn't managed, it can become debilitating and increase the effects of one another exponentially. 

3) We cannot use depression/ anxiety as an excuse for lacking.

4) If we feed depression/ anxiety with our excuses, it will grow from them. This doesn't mean to ignore it, but rather accept it as a part of ourselves and seek to get help with it.

5) Life can suck but that doesn't mean that we suck, or even that we can't experience the beauty available throughout all the world.

6) Recognize this as an opportunity to be humble and find strength in oneself as well as in a higher being. Humility can be a powerful source of strength, which differentiates from self-esteem.

7) I am grateful for my depression and anxiety. It teaches me the power of my mind and what can be accomplished through determination. I grow in humility, empathy, and compassion. 

8) My worth and value does not diminish with depression/ anxiety. Instead, it is masked by the darkness of my mind and body. 

9) We cannot overcome this alone.

10) Find times to express what we are grateful for and ponder them. This is the first step to having optimism.

I want others to know they aren't alone in their struggles, and that it is possible to be optimistic in depression/anxiety. That doesn't mean the struggle fades, or that we will always be optimistic. There will be times of darkness, where negativity surrounds us. It is simply my desire to share that hope is available to all who suffer. I am grateful for this life I have been given, and look forward to the great experiences this life has to offer.

'Men (and woman) are that they might have joy.'

More Than Shame

I am More Than Shame

What does this phrase mean to you?

Are you More Than Shame?

I haven't written in a long while.... In this time I have created and worked on a Nonprofit Organization called More Than Shame. My effort in putting this together was motivated by shame. Or rather, recognizing how debilitating shame is. 

Shame is an emotion we feel similar to guilt, however, it internalizes whatever it was that caused the shame. For example, we feel guilt when we do something wrong and we recognize the action as being wrong. With shame, we feel that there is something wrong with us. That the wrongness of our action is a pure reflection of who we are. It removes all confidence and hope for improvement.

I have met many people who experience what I do with depression and anxiety, and I am surprised at how often shame keeps them from getting the help they need. I say this not as though I am impervious to shame... I experience it very deeply and very often. It's scary to see how such an emotion can negatively impact someone in such a powerful way. 

I want people to feel confident in saying, 'I have depression, I have anxiety.' Recognize it as a part of who we are and accept it. It is my hope that we can build a community of support, hope, and love - that we can slowly eradicate the stigma associated with depression and anxiety with our examples. 

Get the help you need. Do not be afraid that others will judge you or think less of you, because your worth is not based on their opinions. I have felt that fear. I have feared that no one will love me. I have feared I am worthless. I encourage all to push past that fear and find hope in knowing that you are not alone. Miracles happen every day, even to those who struggle with a mental illness.

My organization isn't purely focused on depression and anxiety, but rather all things that inspire shame in a person. I believe that we can absolutely reach our full potential when we learn to manage the shame in our lives, accept who we are, and continue progressing in a manner that shows strength despite weakness.

Humility... Or low self-esteem?

What is my purpose?

To give in to my weakness?

Or use it to grow....

An issue in regards to humility has been on my mind of late. While I was young, I questioned if being humble was the same as having low self-esteem. Since then I've come to learn that there is a difference - in fact, there aren't very many similarities at all. Having low self-esteem is something I've faced my whole life, therefore these feelings are very familiar to me as I consider them. Humility is something I had to develop and separate from the feelings of low self-esteem. 

The definition of humility is as such in the webster's dictionary: 'the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people'. Whereas self-esteem is 'a confidence and satisfaction in oneself' - the application of the word 'low' to this term implies a lack of confidence and dissatisfaction in oneself. This difference to me is equal to the difference between pride and confidence: pride is the placement of oneself onto a higher plane than those around, the belief that they are better than others; whereas confidence is a recognition on one's own talent's and abilities, acting in a manner in which these are performed affectively with control over those thoughts and actions considered prideful. With this in mind, humility is similar to confidence in that it opposes pride, or the lifting of oneself up above another. Humility recognizes the equality of every being on the earth, which includes your equality with others. Low self-esteem is placing every single person above oneself, claiming others will always 'be better, prettier, cooler, more fun, etc', therefore creating an imbalance pertaining to the worth of the individual to those around them. I have seen others act, and even I have felt at times, as though we don't need to strive for humility as we feel we are already as 'dust of the earth' (in regards to feelings of low self-worth). 

I've come to recognize this falsehood and therefore state that humility is empowering and uplifting; whereas this low self-esteem only constricts our potential. Humility leads to happiness, love, peace, and fulfillment; low self-esteem creates a downhill spiraling path that inspires or gratifies depression. Humility is spiritual and everlasting, opening opportunities to change and grow; the latter is a debilitating excuse to falter in the face of life's challenges. I'm striving for humility, and hope that it isn't replaced by low self-worth.  I've recognized how challenging this is being diagnosed with medical depression - that being said, I have a hope and a belief that humility is obtainable, along with happiness, peace, and a fullness of love. 

'Men (and women) are that they might have joy.' 

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

Where would I be without mine?

Certainly not here. 

This is a very special day for a very important person in my life (super V.I.P.!), mi mamá! I cannot describe how perfectly beautiful she is, how her spirit shines through her eyes, and how her smile lights up the room. She is always willing to talk, and to listen. She will always love me no matter what, yet will forever call me out on my crap - which is an extension of her love. She is so intelligent, and so much fun to be around. It's impossible not to feel loved, and cared for when she's hugging you.

I can honestly say that my mom has saved my life. Her example, testimony, and desire to do that which is right in the eyes of God is forever imprinted in my memory. Yes, I face depression and anxiety - yet with her as an angel sent from God I have not only been able to manage it, but been able to see some incredible good come of it. She saves my life. 

 

I'm grateful she chose to marry my incredible stud of a dad (Mr. October... That says it all), who loves her so tenderly he would sacrifice his already-failing health to stay up all day and night to put together a video for Mother's Day of their kids saying how much they love her. In fact, one of my most favorite moments with my dad was when we were driving home together late at night, and he told me why he married my mom, why he loves her so much, why she's his best friend. I want to marry someone like my mom.  

So here's to this incredible woman who saves my life, changing unbearable tragedies to tender mercies. Here's to her mother who no doubt was of great influence to my mom in guiding her to be where she is now. Here's to every mother who, knowingly or unknowingly, saves the life of their children with their pure love and sacrifice. As it is our goal to be as our Savior Jesus Christ is, it gives me hope to know there are women of God like my mother who strive to follow Him to the extent where the only phrase that can be used to describe them is 'Christ-like'. Your sacrifices don't go unnoticed. May God bless you all with the blessings of heaven you so justly deserve. Continue to nurture your children to the best of your ability. You may never know the good you've done until you stand before God Himself; until then, trust that everything you do is enough, and that you are perfect in His eyes, my eyes, and the eyes of your family's. 

'Men (and women) are that they might have joy.' 

Paradise

Life and death are this:

Trapped in an airport,

To paradise. 

Hello! I'm sorry I haven't written in so long! I have been super busy this last semester, what with school, working 3 jobs, and other various extracurricular activities. I have been meaning to write for so long, as there have been a large number of thoughts rolling around in my head over these last four months. Many of these thoughts being distressing and upset, mostly due to the stressful state I've been in with school, work, etc. I'm also grateful to say that I have experienced some truly incredible blessings over this same period of time. I love my Heavenly Father, His son Jesus Christ - my Savior and friend, my wonderful family, and my awesome friends. I'm grateful for the Holy Spirit, the Comforter who always comes when I am humbled, broken, and afraid. It is through these relationships I have come to recognize some of the greatest beauty this world has to offer, and I know God intended for me to learn this. 

Once upon a time, two poor college students were looking to travel and see the world at as cheap a price as they can manage. Which so happened to be my friend Austin and I. The destination: Mexico, home of 'the taco'. We planned with expectations of beach volleyball, sun-kissing, and girl-friending (open to the potential of a green card marriage), etc. Our hopes were high! We would fly stand-by, thanks to my aunt, and we found a place to stay at a ridiculously good deal. In the weeks leading up to our trip, I received a call from the hotel we'd be staying at; they were expecting the payment for the 'mandatory all-inclusive' service, which was way more than we could afford (which they conveniently forgot to mention at the beginning). We switched to a hostel in the middle of the city of Cancun, which gave our parents the desire to bless us with these wise, inciting words: be careful. Many, many times. Apparently, there is a movie called 'Hostel' that is found in the genre of horror. I imagine it's quite frightening. 

Anywho, it didn't deter my excitement too much, as I love traveling, Spanish, food, beaches, and the sun in general. We attended General Conference up in Salt Lake City, a full day of listening to impactful words spoken by inspired men of God. It was amazing - the spirit of God was felt and I heard things that I know were intended for me to hear. We went to the SLC airport at 10 that night, hoping to board the flight to Orlando, then fly from Orlando to Cancun. We saw an old family friend of mine, their family was going to Cancun the same way we were, also stand-by. It was so great speaking with them! We made plans to meet up later in the week after we'd both arrived. 

Unfortunately, we didn't make the flight.  It filled up last second and so we decided to take a different route to Cancun. We left the next day for Long Beach, where we had a layover for 8 hours. 6 hours into it, we found out our flight was delayed 2 more hours. After finally making the flight, we arrived in San Francisco 5 minutes after our connecting flight took off, the next flight leaving 24 hours later. Luckily I have some amazing family in San Jose who sacrificed time and effort to pick us up and accommodate us, which was a huge blessing! They let us use a car, which allowed us to eat a ton of frozen yogurt, walk along the beach in Santa Cruz, and look at massive, lazy seals. It was an awesome experience! That night, we made our flight to Florida, stayed for 8 more hours in the airport, and then flew from Florida to Cancun. 

Upon arriving in Cancun, everything happening filled me with excitement. We had the best experiences, that were both humbling, and inspiring. Walking on the beach the night after our arrival, I was filled with the spirit as I realized that the journey of getting to Mexico was the same journey I am undertaking now in this mortal life. The disappointments when expectations aren't met, the frustrations, the impending crisis of a stagnant existence, etc. It was a rough 3 days of traveling! But amidst these difficult moments, we found time to laugh! We really enjoyed ourselves and made memories. There were times sitting in an airport where I thought to myself, it is my choice right now to be miserable, or be happy - positive and optimistic, or be negative and miserable. Those moments where I chose the first made my experience even better, and I absolutely loved it! Now, Austin and I talk about the adventure of getting there as much as the adventure of being there. 

To the millions of people who have been to Cancun, it is paradise. To me, it is also paradise - but in a deeper way. 

Alma 40:12 states: 

'And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.'

I felt peace. I felt rest. I felt happy. 

This experience taught me so much about my purpose on this earth (the traveling) and what comes after (Cancun). Not only should I be happy, but I want to be happy! Happiness is desired for me! There is such a thing as paradise, and God wants all of us to obtain it. As Jesus Christ suffered and died to save me from spiritual death, he also saved me from physical death. This is a perfect and beautiful way for me to learn and grow from my experiences; and the desire to live in this paradisiacal state after this life with those I love is an enabling power given me by a loving Father in Heaven to be stronger than I am, be greater than my flaws, relying on my potential and acting. My heart breaks every time I see someone in pain, and yet it is overjoyed when this same person learns from this experience and uses it to thank God - praising His name, acting with love and optimism in the face of trial and difficulty. 

I love my life. I love my circumstances. 'Men (and women) are that they might have joy'. 

Happy New Year!

A happy new year! 

So much to learn from the past

Look to the future

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had the best New Year's ever! As I've reflected on this past year, experiences of heartache, pain, sadness, confusion, and fear come to mind. However even more overwhelming than these are the greatest experiences of peace, joy, fulfillment, understanding, fun, humility, and love I may have ever previously experienced. With my limited perspective, I initially decided that 2015 couldn't possibly be as incredible as 2014 had been, even amidst the difficulties faced. I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who reveals His will and desires to His children, and being one of His children I have access to this empowering knowledge.

I was introduced to a video by a great friend of mine recently; made by the LDS church a few years ago on a previous New Year, the story of Lot's wife being the main topic of discussion (http://youtu.be/lrZij9MSTRI). To give a brief summary (the full account is given in Genesis 19), Lot and his family were told of the Lord to flee the city of Sodom and Gomorrah due to its increasing wickedness, leaving with them the command to 'look not behind'. As they were leaving the city, the temptation to look behind proved too great for Lot's wife, as she looked back and turned to a pillar of salt. Bummer, right? She must have experienced to some extent her fill of difficult circumstances there, and yet despite this along with the recurring evil taking place in her hometown, she looked not ahead to the future and instead turned, looking back to the past, to that which she was most comfortable with. This decision of hers placed her in a less-than-desirable situation (I can't imagine anyone wanting to be salt), and absolutely kept her from the blessings that God had prepared for her ahead. 

At the start of this new years I've realized that I've been looking backward at this past year, with its experiences, and its opportunities - even holding on to past mistakes and moments that were sad, painful, and difficult to move on from. Upon seeing this video, hearing this story again with this perspective, and contemplation, I recognized the limitations this places on my life, as well as all of ours if we apply it. For how important is this message to have the very son of God remind us in Luke 17:32, to 'remember Lot's wife'. 

Someone I admire greatly and think purely of as one of God's angels here on earth shared with me what she considered to be one of the greatest, if not her greatest, flaw - which was that she stays within the confines of what she is comfortable doing and doesn't branch out much, not experiencing new things. At first this seemed like a small issue and I didn't fully understand her view of this. I recently was able to recognize that her wisdom far surpasses my own, upon viewing this video and realizing that this is what she was talking about. 

How great God is, how loving and caring He is, and how desirous He is of our well-being. He truly wants the best for us, and has provided a way for all of us to achieve a fullness of peace, joy, and love in this life. Just as my friend was able to see how potentially debilitating it is to rely on ourselves and our own comforts, so must we recognize, and strive to turn to God in all things, trusting in Him, having faith that His plan for us is greater than anything we can fully comprehend. Understanding this is changing my life, providing me with the strength to wade through deep waters, and push forward in faith for a brighter future. Oh how happy we should be! Life is great! And God is paving the way for it to be even better. I know the purpose of this life is to learn, love fully, and to be happy. Happy New Year's! May we move forward in faith toward the bright future that God has provided for us in optimism and hope. 'Men (and women) are that they might have joy'.